she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
