1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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