Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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