Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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