he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
