weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
