census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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