You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
