I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
