I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
