oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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