oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
