Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
