Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
