you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
