It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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