I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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