Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
