I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
