he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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