Small penises have feelings too.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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