Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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