I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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