You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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