hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
