M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
