I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
