how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
