Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
