Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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