Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
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