her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
