What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
