Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
