Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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