Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
