The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
