end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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