i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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