Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
