There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
