I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
