I am in a vortex of obligation.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
