Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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