I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
