I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
