Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
