I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i was born a porn star she said
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I deserve this hangover.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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