12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
