I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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