I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
