Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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